A weekend of the past

Recently, I made a huge decision. And I hope it was the right thing to do. I threw away most of the things from my past relationships because somehow it’s been affecting the present in more ways than it should. It was one of the most difficult things to do and I felt like I was erasing parts of myself. Amidst all the tearing and breaking, two songs came to mind:

‘..why do all good things come to an end..’

‘..players only love you when they’re playing..’

The weirdest part came right after that when I saw mr flannery’s msg on my msn, thanking me for believing in him when we were together and that he will always have the same faith in me. And when he thinks about the times we had together, he is truly thankful. I am (was) the best or one of the best thing that happened to him (?). I got so freaked out when I saw the message that I closed the window immediately. Talking about perfect timing, it was as if he had a hidden camera in my room and he was watching me throw away the things we had together.

One of my close friends thought that it was a sweet (although really sudden) gesture on his part. But I wasn’t touched the slightest bit. I did not understand what was the use or purpose of saying that to me after so long. It made me feel bitter for if I was truly the best thing that happened to him, he would not have let me go so easily. Almost too easily.

Not too long after that, Jun messaged me on msn to say that he will be visiting Singapore with his girlfriend and he would like to meet for lunch. He hasn’t changed one bit, at least appearance-wise and at certain points I felt nostalgic. He was after all my childhood sweetheart. That being said, I am happy for him and Sandra. They look like they belong together and I have to admit that I’m liking her quite a bit too. Ha.. so much for wanting to be the nasty ex, I ended up hugging her goodbye and it felt genuine.

It was like a weekend of the past, with both ex-es suddenly emerging out of nowhere. Thank god I only have 2.

someone said to me recently

that i'm an old soul.

i guess that is because i find myself slowly gravitating towards the classics. i cant really pinpoint the time when i started to change but i guess it has to do with my bf. he's an ANCIENT soul by comparison. and somehow along the way his likings for old stuff influenced my perception on life in general. not too long ago, i purchased a gramophone from the thieves' market for a sum of SGD220. although the uncle fervently assured that it is a piece of antique, i am skeptical. so the purchase of a gramophone led to the purchase of vinyl records and then it led on to another purchase of a turntable for the bf when we stumbled upon a rather quaint record shop at a very quiet corner of singapore. stepping into the shop almost felt like stepping into a time machine back to the era of the 80s. i was pleasantly surprised by the number of records and people enjoying these records as i took a glimpse around the shop, given its 'ulu' location. The owner was very friendly and helpful, as though the mere sight of people sharing the same passion as him delighted him.

my point of writing this? i dont know it myself. but lately, as i get closer to these items of the past, i feel a sense of connection that i cant quite describe. sometimes i imagine myself to be going through life the same motion a girl in the 80's would. would i be checking out the record store every time a single or album is released? or would i be flipping through the same music list? and each time i hear a record being played on my gramophone (with all its crackles) i imagine a wedding ceremony being held, the bride all dressed in vintage style dancing away with her dad.

maybe the right term for it is nostalgia? but how can i be nostalgic about something i have never experienced before?

evolution

one of the things i believe in life is definitely the darwin's theory of evolution. not too long ago, i found a book in my bf's room which explains the origins of our facial expressions. as we all know, all our expressions are controlled by muscles and of course our jaws. so long before the muscles and jaws evolved to what we have today (approximately 520 million years ago?), we are essentially faceless marine creatures called the Pikaia (so we're not solely the descendants of the apes). It looks like the empty plastic case of a biro pen with an opening on one end that was able to inhale water and sift out food particles. with that, we are thus able to form some conclusions that the most primitive feature of our face is the mouth. it makes sense actually, for survival is the main reason why we still exist and no one can survive without food.

based on the theory of evolution, i also believe that the male species have changed over the past few decades. there was a time when chivalry was perceived almost like an innate etiquette which need not be taught and there was also a time when men acted as if women owe it to them for their existence in this world. often enough we are being told that women are complicated and difficult to understand while men are the complete opposite. well, i beg to differ. perhaps there was a time when they were simpler and easier to understand but they have evolved, most if not all. the distinctions between men and women, hormones and reproduction organs aside, are becoming increasingly blurred as their thoughts and intentions are now more difficult to comprehend. during the casual chats with my girlfriends, our conversations usually revolve around the difficulties in understanding certain actions or inactions performed by a certain male company and i wonder whether it is possible that one day, the roles will be reversed where women will take on the role of being the simpler and easier to understand counterpart.

and it is all in the name of EVOLUTION

p/s: just to clarify, this is NOT me lashing out at my bf after a heated argument

a moment to remember

definitely

it brings back the feeling of being cherished, of how far one is willing to go for someone special

as i ate what he bought, i tasted the sweetness from his heart and i was truly touched

the rain has ended, and i'm looking forward to seeing the rainbow

line-dancing

I had a really warm feeling watching the old men and women line-dancing at the amphitheatre near my block today. I wasnt sure whether it was the oldies music or seeing how much they were enjoying themselves that made me smile and continue to watch for almost an hour. Somehow it reminded me of the simplicities in life we often tend to overlook or ignore and I wished I could share the feeling with someone who would understand exactly what I meant. (That someone probably needs to have as much free time as I do as well)

Throughout the entire hour, I was watching a particular old lady who shook her butt in a really cute manner. With a hairband on her head, dangling earrings and a small sling bag over her shoulders, she looked almost like a kid who was lost in her own world, not even noticing that I was observing her from 2-3 metres away. I laughed a couple of times when she threw her arms in the air and twirled and it kinda made me feel like dancing along. Maybe I would join line-dancing when I'm older. That's if I'm not stuck in the office, stressing over line drawings and construction details.

will i be richer within the next few days

News has it that the result of the competition i joined with a few of my peers will be out within this coming week! Of course we are all eyeing on the first prize, which is a grand total of 20k usd. It was the moolah which drove us throughout the competition anyway. But honestly, I'm not really sure whether we would stand a chance at winning even the consolation prizes since it's an international competition. If we dont, I think Pinjie has already prepared the appropriate its-the-experience-that-matters-speech for closure, being the politically-correct person that he is well known for.

Well, I also found out today that Lai Chee Kian is an eccentric man with no family and friends. Somehow I find that almost intriguing. I wonder how he leads his life, from day to day as a professor in NUS, alone. I'm sure there are many others out there who are just like him and I'm really curious to know what's going on in their minds, especially when they see themselves in the mirror first thing in the morning.

Are they happy? Do they even feel lonely? Do they see themselves as geniuses who just cant seem to mix with the normal crowd? Or do they see themselves as losers?

These group of people are definitely of a different breed, lost in their own world of thoughts and sometimes I wish I could just experience being them for maybe a day.

we are all innocent

we are, we are all innocent, we are all innocent

we are, we are

or at least we hope to be.

Finally, something uplifting for me today. Over the past few days, I've been pushing myself to produce something worth presenting to my tutor after not seeing him for more than 3 weeks. And I guess it went pretty well since i couldnt stop smiling to myself after leaving his office. All those visits to the redlight areas have finally paid off! And oh, if I've never mentioned this before, I'm writing a dissertation on the redlight areas in Singapore, mainly on the spaces in which sex trades occur. I guess I could be a sex tour guide after this, if plan A doesnt work out for me.

Maybe I'm back as the nerdy, workaholic Mel. The reason being that's all I know how to do at this moment. And please, no extra care needed. The last thing i would want to feel now is like a candy infested by ants. Or rather a large ant.