'Parents should learn to accept changes

because when their child or children leave home (for further studies or work), they will come back a changed person'.

I was struck by my aunt's words when I had the chance to visit and catch up with her over the recent CNY holiday. Those words spoke so much truth that most parents would cringe in denial just listening to them. For me, it was like an epiphany. One that suddenly makes sense out of every conflict, argument and even fall-out I have heard happening between parents and children over the past years.

How often do we hear arguments which go on like this:

'I don't get it, why can't you understand?!'

'This is my house! When you are back here, you abide by my rules!'

'Then I wish I never came back!'

And both parties end up hurt at the end of the day. 

I totally get it why parents want their little princes or princesses to never grow up and change. They want their children exactly as they were when they last saw them, when they still knew their children's favourite colour, favourite movie, favourite person. When they still recognize their children's innocence and when they still feel they are needed. It's a bubble which most parents have, which they refuse to accept when that bubble is eventually burst.

Change is inevitable. Like what we all know, it is the only constant in life. Parents must learn to accept that their children will grow and evolve to adapt to their surroundings and as parents, they too will need to change to adapt to their evolving children. They must learn to give space to their children to discover their own identities and purpose in life. And most importantly, parents must learn to let go and start enjoying their lives for no one else but themselves. After all, haven't they sacrificed enough?

I admire my aunt for admitting that she had to learn to understand her son all over again after he left home for his studies. I admire how she acknowledged it and embraced it with open arms. I hope one day I too will be able to do that.

Our little nightmare in 3 days!

I am excited. Yet I am apprehensive. We are getting a shiba of our own and our lives will be changed forever. Everyone is telling us about the trouble we will have to go through, the inconvenience we will face..

'Will you have the time to walk her?'

'Will you have the time to feed her?'

'Will you have the time to groom her?'

'What about cleaning up after her?'

'What about long vacations?'

Sigh. Why do people always have to be so negative about everything in their lives. We made our decision, and we will stick to that decision. I'm sure this little one will bring a lot of joy to our lives :)

How should you feel

When the person you love is hurt by another person you love? 

Do you take sides?

I feel rage, despair, frustration, disappointment and helpless all at once

Christmas

Is such a wonderful season to give and share. That is what I love most about this festive season. The time of the year when people rush to get gifts for their loved ones, the time when they think about their families, the time of bonding and returning home. And what I love most is of course the joy on my family members' faces when they receive gifts they really like. I love cracking my head on what may be the best gift for different individuals and gain satisfaction when my guess is right. It's like solving a puzzle. 

This Christmas is most memorable of all as I celebrated it with my family at my own place. I have my own flat, my own tree, my own kitchen newly renovated and completed just before Christmas. I threw the dinner I always wanted to with the help of my sister and my roasted chicken did not taste too bad. Although my tree did not have ornaments on it, and my place is far from being fully furnished, somehow, I feel complete. That's because Christmas is not only a season of sharing and giving, it is also a season of healing (at least for me) :)

Day 4 in Italy

We had been to Milan, Verona, Venice and Pisa. Although it seemed like we had visited a lot of places within a short period of time, most of the time was spent traveling on the bus. But beggars can't be choosers, can they? The entire trip was paid for by our company and I have to admit that I am pretty thankful. Owing to our current financial status, we won't be able to come anywhere near Italy if the trip was not covered. I had also thought that the trip will be a good distraction for our wounds to heal, a change of scenery will be able to take our minds off the unfortunate turn of events. However, each church we visited only reminded me more and more of the sense of loss as I stood before the altar and pray. Am I praying for the life we gave up on? Or am I praying for the feeling of guilt and remorse to go away? Each time I stood before the altar and had my moment of silence, tears welled up in my eyes, tears of embarrassment as I felt that the scrutiny was on me. But the tears had to be held back as I was among a group of people enjoying their holiday, a group of people who still think that I am pregnant. There were moments when I was at a loss for words, awkward moments when my colleagues offered a seat to me in a crowded bus or when my colleagues asked Fong to carry my bag. Or when they asked me whether I'm wearing enough winter attire. Or when they told me that I looked better now that the first trimester is over. How do I ever reply to that, I don't think I will ever know. 

Distractions

Distractions are good when you have the need to escape from that feeling you dread. That feeling you wished never existed in the first place. That feeling of something missing. 

But all the distractions in the world can never conceal the moment you first open your eyes in the morning, those few seconds when you wonder whether it was just a dream after all. When you just stare into blank space, and a balloon saying 'get well soon!' tied to a hamper at the corner of the room irritates the life out of you. Yes, I burst it this morning.

As you slowly regain composure and a sense of reality, you begin to plan for the hectic schedule that lies ahead. The first day, we shifted our focus onto our upcoming company trip to Italy, the booking of hotel rooms, discussions on flea markets etc. The second day, I spent my energy and concentration on cleaning my new place. There was just so much dirt and stains to be removed that I lost track of time and made my poor husband wait until 9pm without dinner. The third day, we spent our time buying dustbins and installing curtain rods for our new place and I have already made a to-do list for tomorrow when my husband is at work.

Not only do these distractions keep me going, they make me happy because I can actually control how and when I want them done, knowing very well the end results I have planned for. I do feel that sometimes I stretch myself a little too much as I feel a little strain where it used to be at the end of the day. And I tell myself, I need to slow it down a little. But when a new day begins, the cycle restarts as I am afraid of letting that dreaded feeling creep into my mind subconsiously when I have the time to spare. It strikes when you let your guard down, and leaves disturbing ripples which traps you in that state of being bitter and hateful.

I will never forget the day my husband and I chose to go through together, without the company of family and friends. I will never forget the fear I had as they pushed me away from my husband, towards the sterile-looking room with strangers in masks telling me it will all be okay. The sound of my beating heart beeping through the machine as I lie there waiting for the doctor. These memories are mine to keep and carry, like a scar from a wound that may or may not heal and although I know all the distractions are only a temporary solution for the time being, it is sufficient for me to go through each day without feeling distant from my husband and most importantly, from myself.

A date to remember. A date to note. The date when we made our decision, a decision that will change us as human beings, as a married couple and as future parents. The date when we chose to let go and not fight against the tide.

How do you feel? I asked my husband.

What is inside your head? I asked him again.

He replied,’ Nothing. I have nothing in my head’

The truth is, I have nothing in my head as well. Or I rather not. Once I open the door and start thinking and feeling, I know there will be no end to it.

Am I giving up too early? Am I not giving life a chance to fight for its own? Am I cursed beyond eternal life for making this decision? Only God knows. 

This has taught me that nothing is permanent in our lives. We live in the state of transience where we can lose anything and everything in a blink of an eye. What is given to you may not be yours to keep.

Am I afraid? Yes

Tomorrow is the day. Do I know what to expect? Not really.

Will I feel pain? Will I feel remorseful? I guess I can only answer those tomorrow. Not today. Today is for me to know that tomorrow will be the day I lose a part of me, a part of my husband, a part of us.  

Settling?

I had a conversation with some of my girlies not too long ago on their worst fears. One of them said that her biggest fear is not finding true love and settling with a man who just happens to be in her life at the right time (in this context, the ‘right’ time means the time when all women are pressured to get married). We then continued to question what is true love?  How would you know when you have found your true love? What if the whole notion of true love does not exist? What if life is all about coincidences and not fate?

First of all, I would like to point out that there is a huge difference between settling down and settling. There are many out there who seem to think that when their friends have chosen the path to settle down, they are in fact settling in life.  In my definition, settling down means that you have reached the point in life where you are ready to build a family, to have a slower pace in life and get grounded. The point where you are more than happy to give up the life of late night clubbings and weekends of hangovers, the point where you are just contented even when you are practically doing nothing at home. Now settling, on the other hand, means you are just accepting what life offers on its silver tray even though you know the dish on the tray is totally not for you. The dish could be job opportunities, lovers and even friends. In this modern society, the majority of us know that freedom, independence and equality are three important qualities to have in life. We know we always have choices and we should not settle.

So why is it that we should not settle?

Of course, we should not settle because we know that we deserve the best for ourselves. We should not settle because… why should we? Why should we accept something that will not make us happy? Why should we tolerate someone who does not match the criteria of our dream guy? 

But, is that all?

To me, the most devastating part about settling is thinking that you have done a good deal of sacrifice by staying in the relationship and not breaking your partner’s heart. Your partner who may have thought that you are giving your all just as how he/she is giving his/her all in the relationship, only to find out the hard truth that you have actually settled for him/her. If you have indeed done that in your life, I urge that you rethink your whole situation because it is not a sacrifice but more of a stab from the back.

So the fear, as described by one of my girlies, is actually very tangible and real. While there is nothing wrong with settling down, there is everything wrong with just settling. Do not be afraid to turn down opportunities and offers if they do not interest you, do not be afraid to stay single if you truly feel you have not found the right person because when you settle, you are imposing a limit to yourself and the ones around you.

So I turned 30 today...

What do i have to say about that? Why is turning 30 a bigger deal than turning 20? Is it because of society's perception that once you reach 30, you have to really start being an adult? Is it a significant milestone in our lives where we measure our success and satisfaction through the growth and progress we have gained in our career? Even our biological clock is tuned to this number, fertility rates drop drastically when we make the leap from our 20s to our 30s. Why is turning 30 such a big deal?

I have no idea. My guess is that turning 30 is like being the patty of a burger. You are in the middle, sandwiched by the top and bottom buns. You give flavour to the otherwise bland taste of the buns, they depend on you for identity. If the taste of the patty is delicious and well-balanced, there you have a great burger. If the patty is rotten or uncooked, the burger will be thrown away.

You have reached the stage where people can depend on you, be it financially and emotionally. You raise your kids and at the same time you take care of your aging parents. The happiness of your family depends on how well you carry out your duties and responsibilities as the middle generation in supporting your top and bottom buns. Turning 30 does not mean that you have to take on these 'expectations' overnight, it merely plants a seed of thought that you have to start planning for it.

My parents mean the world to me, and I am sure everyone would say the same about their parents. The sacrifice they went through in raising my sister and i are unsurpassable, and I can proudly say every success I have achieved in life I owe it to them. So turning 30 to me means that it is time for my parents to start enjoying their lives. It is time for my husband and I to have kids of our own and raise them to make the world a better place to live in. It is time for me to be a delicious patty.

I am indeed thankful for what I have been blessed with throughout the 3 decades in my life. I am surrounded by a loving husband, supportive family and friends who are always there for me whenever I need them. I have been blessed with a good life, good education and a good career path which I have chosen (and sometimes regret. It has always been a love-hate relationship with this one). I used to be really ambitious snd competitive in nature, I set goals for myself to achieve within a specific period of time and would be really disappointed when things did not go my way. However, I have learnt to care less about whether I am on the right track or whether I am at the point where I had initially planned for myself to be. Rather, I am beginning to enjoy the process of just life and its unpredicatable turns.

I guess that is all I have to say about turning 30. Be a one-of-a-kind delicious patty that is absolutely mind-blowing and enjoy all the goodness that flows from it!

Old drawings- Peacock

Recently, I had the time to look through my old folders just to remind myself what I enjoyed doing most in the past. Of course, one of my first passions lies in drawing on a blank canvas. I had removed this drawing from my blog before as I realised many had taken advantage over the fact that I had uploaded the drawing in high resolution, without any watermark. I saw my drawing printed as namecards, t-shirts etc without any permission and I got mad. However, over the years (since 2007) I have also come to realise that it was actually a huge compliment to my artistic capabilities and I had produced a few more peacock drawings inspired by Peranakan culture and colours, which I will share in the upcoming entries :)

A little bit of here and there and of this and that

Just a few things (among many others) at the top of my head for our new place

1. Concrete ceiling. A-must-have...

                                               

       

2. Some retro tiles to spice up the kitchen

                                  

         

3. Beautifully-polished concrete kitchen countertops

                                          

                                      

4. Bookshelves...

       

       

5. Plants

        

Not exactly sure yet how they will come together.. Guess we'll just have to wait and see

Measurements taken!

So we had the measurements taken last weekend, while the previous owner waited 'patiently' for us to be done and get the hell out of their place. Thinking back, they probably had plans for the night as they were dressed pretty well compared to the first time we met them. But I was shameless and perhaps also a little selfish. I pretended not to notice and focused really hard on my measuring tape as we all know it will be impossible for us to start designing without the measurements.

To be fair, they could have informed us if we were taking a little too much of their time. Anyway, here it is!

Next up will be some mood images as a general guide so we do not go off the track when we get too caught up with the process.

The moment i have been waiting for

Has probably arrived. Every architect (although i am not technically one yet) or interior designer dreams of the same thing: to design one's own home. And mine has just came true about a few days ago when my husband and i made the decision to purchase an Executive Maisonette in Hougang. Over the past 15 years i have been staying in Singapore, i had moved 5 times from places to places depending on which school or college or university i was attending. For 15 years i have been floating around, with no place of my own to call home. I simply cannot describe this satisfaction that i will finally have my own living room, my own kitchen and my own family. Well of course, at a price that will bind me for the next 25 years of my life.

As my husband and i are both in the same industry, i can only imagine how difficult it will be to design our home, to find the balance between our styles and preferences such that there is the both of us in the final product. Nevertheless, i find it extremely exciting to see how this journey would unfold before us.

I would like to capture every step of this journey, from mood boards all the way to the actual thing itself, and share it with anyone who are willing to read.. Especially those who are looking for inspiration for their own home. Stay tuned :)

4 years have passed

since my last post. Time really flies!

I am now 4 years older, hopefully 4 years wiser, working in an architectural firm (slowly climbing the steep social ladder) and most importantly... happily married to the most wonderful man who never failed to make me smile.

I have also started another blog as a collection of my whimsical doodles:http://whimsies-and-what-nots.blogspot.sg/ and I really hope I can put them to good use one day. I'm not really sure whether anyone still reads this blog since it has been dead for the past 4 years, but if you are reading this now, thank you! Please do drop by at my world of whimsies and give me a thumbs up :)

Happy 2014!

A weekend of the past

Recently, I made a huge decision. And I hope it was the right thing to do. I threw away most of the things from my past relationships because somehow it’s been affecting the present in more ways than it should. It was one of the most difficult things to do and I felt like I was erasing parts of myself. Amidst all the tearing and breaking, two songs came to mind:

‘..why do all good things come to an end..’

‘..players only love you when they’re playing..’

The weirdest part came right after that when I saw mr flannery’s msg on my msn, thanking me for believing in him when we were together and that he will always have the same faith in me. And when he thinks about the times we had together, he is truly thankful. I am (was) the best or one of the best thing that happened to him (?). I got so freaked out when I saw the message that I closed the window immediately. Talking about perfect timing, it was as if he had a hidden camera in my room and he was watching me throw away the things we had together.

One of my close friends thought that it was a sweet (although really sudden) gesture on his part. But I wasn’t touched the slightest bit. I did not understand what was the use or purpose of saying that to me after so long. It made me feel bitter for if I was truly the best thing that happened to him, he would not have let me go so easily. Almost too easily.

Not too long after that, Jun messaged me on msn to say that he will be visiting Singapore with his girlfriend and he would like to meet for lunch. He hasn’t changed one bit, at least appearance-wise and at certain points I felt nostalgic. He was after all my childhood sweetheart. That being said, I am happy for him and Sandra. They look like they belong together and I have to admit that I’m liking her quite a bit too. Ha.. so much for wanting to be the nasty ex, I ended up hugging her goodbye and it felt genuine.

It was like a weekend of the past, with both ex-es suddenly emerging out of nowhere. Thank god I only have 2.

someone said to me recently

that i'm an old soul.

i guess that is because i find myself slowly gravitating towards the classics. i cant really pinpoint the time when i started to change but i guess it has to do with my bf. he's an ANCIENT soul by comparison. and somehow along the way his likings for old stuff influenced my perception on life in general. not too long ago, i purchased a gramophone from the thieves' market for a sum of SGD220. although the uncle fervently assured that it is a piece of antique, i am skeptical. so the purchase of a gramophone led to the purchase of vinyl records and then it led on to another purchase of a turntable for the bf when we stumbled upon a rather quaint record shop at a very quiet corner of singapore. stepping into the shop almost felt like stepping into a time machine back to the era of the 80s. i was pleasantly surprised by the number of records and people enjoying these records as i took a glimpse around the shop, given its 'ulu' location. The owner was very friendly and helpful, as though the mere sight of people sharing the same passion as him delighted him.

my point of writing this? i dont know it myself. but lately, as i get closer to these items of the past, i feel a sense of connection that i cant quite describe. sometimes i imagine myself to be going through life the same motion a girl in the 80's would. would i be checking out the record store every time a single or album is released? or would i be flipping through the same music list? and each time i hear a record being played on my gramophone (with all its crackles) i imagine a wedding ceremony being held, the bride all dressed in vintage style dancing away with her dad.

maybe the right term for it is nostalgia? but how can i be nostalgic about something i have never experienced before?

evolution

one of the things i believe in life is definitely the darwin's theory of evolution. not too long ago, i found a book in my bf's room which explains the origins of our facial expressions. as we all know, all our expressions are controlled by muscles and of course our jaws. so long before the muscles and jaws evolved to what we have today (approximately 520 million years ago?), we are essentially faceless marine creatures called the Pikaia (so we're not solely the descendants of the apes). It looks like the empty plastic case of a biro pen with an opening on one end that was able to inhale water and sift out food particles. with that, we are thus able to form some conclusions that the most primitive feature of our face is the mouth. it makes sense actually, for survival is the main reason why we still exist and no one can survive without food.

based on the theory of evolution, i also believe that the male species have changed over the past few decades. there was a time when chivalry was perceived almost like an innate etiquette which need not be taught and there was also a time when men acted as if women owe it to them for their existence in this world. often enough we are being told that women are complicated and difficult to understand while men are the complete opposite. well, i beg to differ. perhaps there was a time when they were simpler and easier to understand but they have evolved, most if not all. the distinctions between men and women, hormones and reproduction organs aside, are becoming increasingly blurred as their thoughts and intentions are now more difficult to comprehend. during the casual chats with my girlfriends, our conversations usually revolve around the difficulties in understanding certain actions or inactions performed by a certain male company and i wonder whether it is possible that one day, the roles will be reversed where women will take on the role of being the simpler and easier to understand counterpart.

and it is all in the name of EVOLUTION

p/s: just to clarify, this is NOT me lashing out at my bf after a heated argument

a moment to remember

definitely

it brings back the feeling of being cherished, of how far one is willing to go for someone special

as i ate what he bought, i tasted the sweetness from his heart and i was truly touched

the rain has ended, and i'm looking forward to seeing the rainbow

line-dancing

I had a really warm feeling watching the old men and women line-dancing at the amphitheatre near my block today. I wasnt sure whether it was the oldies music or seeing how much they were enjoying themselves that made me smile and continue to watch for almost an hour. Somehow it reminded me of the simplicities in life we often tend to overlook or ignore and I wished I could share the feeling with someone who would understand exactly what I meant. (That someone probably needs to have as much free time as I do as well)

Throughout the entire hour, I was watching a particular old lady who shook her butt in a really cute manner. With a hairband on her head, dangling earrings and a small sling bag over her shoulders, she looked almost like a kid who was lost in her own world, not even noticing that I was observing her from 2-3 metres away. I laughed a couple of times when she threw her arms in the air and twirled and it kinda made me feel like dancing along. Maybe I would join line-dancing when I'm older. That's if I'm not stuck in the office, stressing over line drawings and construction details.

will i be richer within the next few days

News has it that the result of the competition i joined with a few of my peers will be out within this coming week! Of course we are all eyeing on the first prize, which is a grand total of 20k usd. It was the moolah which drove us throughout the competition anyway. But honestly, I'm not really sure whether we would stand a chance at winning even the consolation prizes since it's an international competition. If we dont, I think Pinjie has already prepared the appropriate its-the-experience-that-matters-speech for closure, being the politically-correct person that he is well known for.

Well, I also found out today that Lai Chee Kian is an eccentric man with no family and friends. Somehow I find that almost intriguing. I wonder how he leads his life, from day to day as a professor in NUS, alone. I'm sure there are many others out there who are just like him and I'm really curious to know what's going on in their minds, especially when they see themselves in the mirror first thing in the morning.

Are they happy? Do they even feel lonely? Do they see themselves as geniuses who just cant seem to mix with the normal crowd? Or do they see themselves as losers?

These group of people are definitely of a different breed, lost in their own world of thoughts and sometimes I wish I could just experience being them for maybe a day.