Day 4 in Italy

We had been to Milan, Verona, Venice and Pisa. Although it seemed like we had visited a lot of places within a short period of time, most of the time was spent traveling on the bus. But beggars can't be choosers, can they? The entire trip was paid for by our company and I have to admit that I am pretty thankful. Owing to our current financial status, we won't be able to come anywhere near Italy if the trip was not covered. I had also thought that the trip will be a good distraction for our wounds to heal, a change of scenery will be able to take our minds off the unfortunate turn of events. However, each church we visited only reminded me more and more of the sense of loss as I stood before the altar and pray. Am I praying for the life we gave up on? Or am I praying for the feeling of guilt and remorse to go away? Each time I stood before the altar and had my moment of silence, tears welled up in my eyes, tears of embarrassment as I felt that the scrutiny was on me. But the tears had to be held back as I was among a group of people enjoying their holiday, a group of people who still think that I am pregnant. There were moments when I was at a loss for words, awkward moments when my colleagues offered a seat to me in a crowded bus or when my colleagues asked Fong to carry my bag. Or when they asked me whether I'm wearing enough winter attire. Or when they told me that I looked better now that the first trimester is over. How do I ever reply to that, I don't think I will ever know.