Recently, I read about a mother's woe on her blog that her Daughter just would not sleep at night. She consulted countless Doctors and Psychologists, she tried all the recommended measures but her Daughter was still not sleeping. As a result, she (the Mother) too had not been sleeping well for the past 5-6 years.
Sleep-deprived and exhausted, she decided to try one method which all the sleep Therapists had recommended as the last resort, which was to lock her Daughter in her own room and let her cry.
'Once she's spent all her energy, she will settle and fall asleep' so they said.
So she tried it. She sat outside her daughter's room and she listened to her Daughter's pounding against the door, screaming and crying, terrified that everyone had left her. The little girl scribbled notes of 'I'm sorry' and slipped them under the door and asked 'did I do something wrong?' repeatedly while her Mother sobbed her heart out on the floor. No one in the family slept that night.
She tried the same thing the next day, as advised by the Therapists, and once again she sat outside the door sobbing while her little princess screamed in terror on the other side of the door. As the Mother sobbed, it then hit her that she had been wrong all along. All the Doctors and sleep experts too had been wrong. What she had done was to apply all the 'standard' measures which were predicted to work on her little girl just because they worked on other children. Instead of trying to understand her daughter's fears, the Mother had caused more fear by applying the wrong method.
I do not know whether the Mother finally found the solution to her problem, but I felt I could relate to her story in many ways.
Firstly, because of my character, I like to plan ahead. So I would plan for every little thing up to the Colour of my baby's socks and expect that everything will just fit into my plan including my (now) 11 months Son. And like every new parent, I like to predict. I predicted Anders would accept the stroller after being in the carrier for 6 months. He didn't. I predicted that Anders would be comfortable sleeping in his own crib after he turned 8 months. He didn't. I predicted Anders would love solids after his first taste at 6 months. He didn't. I predicted Anders would be comfortable with his Father so I could go for my weekend jogs. He didn't.
I also vowed that Anders would never see the light of any IPads nor handphone, that I will not turn him into an Ipad baby who is always too engrossed with the screen to notice his surroundings. Now, although still used sparingly, I welcome the Ipad just so he would sit in his car seat without squirming to get out.
Another way I could relate to the Mother was that Anders, too, was easily frightened. When he was younger, sudden noise could set him off crying for a whole 30 mins long. He was particularly afraid of the sound of plastic bags and the shower. He was and still is afraid to be left alone even for the shortest time and because of that he clings to me almost all the time.
I used to get really upset when all my predictions did not turn to reality and sometimes I would be really frustrated with Anders for being difficult. What i had done was very similar to what the Mother had done in her case, which was to impose all these 'predictions' formed through general standardisation by baby books, baby applications and as such onto my little one, who has a personality of his own. I failed to see him as a person, an individual with his own likes and dislikes. Instead of trying to learn more about him and understand him, I expected him to fit nicely into the picture I had painted with all these sets of predictions like a loose puzzle.
I am not saying to stop reading all the information you can find in books and on the web about raising a baby. You need all the information you can find to feel more equipped to face the challenges of motherhood (and fatherhood). I agree that knowledge is power. But in this case, we have to be careful not to make the mistake I and the Mother in the case above had made. Let the knowledge we have be a guide for us to know how to love, understand and accept our children for who they are. Let it guide us to allow our tender ones to grow and discover the world at their own pace.
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